On Choosing a Mate

Nancy and I have just come home from a wedding between our grandson, Jonathan Manring and the former Sarah Morton. A more perfectly matched couple you cannot imagine. We were quite impressed with that marriage. But...we thought at the time about the other young, unmarried, people at the wedding. Will they make such wise and advantageous marriages for themselves? Thus, here comes some unsolicited advice from a couple of oldies.

In choosing a mate, one should remember that with the mate comes the mate’s family—and that entails a lot of baggage. Some of that baggage might include different worldviews, different values, habits, customs, goals, affinities, and religion. One should consider how these differences are going to stack up with one’s own qualities and values; because when you marry someone, you will need to live with the other person’s qualities for a very long time.

Let us talk about differences in religion: Homogeneity in religion in a marriage is very important. Marriages between a Jew and a Christian, a Muslim and a Christian, even a Catholic and a Protestant are often not happy joinings.  Our religions are so integral to our very being that difference in that area can cause everlasting conflict. The only way those differences can be resolved is that one or the other partner must completely give up his beliefs to conform to the other—or else, they both must give up religion, altogether. Neither of these solutions bring good resolution to a marriage difference.

Racial difference between husband and wife can cause dissention. When one marries a person of a different race, the racial/cultural characteristics come with the new spouse. If you can live with that, then you will probably do okay with a spouse of a different race. But…think about it. Racial differences can be a problem.

Political differences often split couples apart. It is very hard for a conservative to live with a liberal/progressive. Differences in this area are becoming more and more prevalent and divisive.

Watch out for marrying a divorced person or one with a family history of divorce. Divorce in a family infects other members of the family, and when conflict arises in the family (as it surely will, occasionally) a person who embraces the possibility of divorce for conflict resolution will not infrequently resolve the conflict by suggesting divorce. NOT A GOOD SOLUTION!

Marrying an “only child” can cause difficulty. “Only children” have often been imbued by their parents with the idea that they are about the most wonderful people in the world, i.e., intelligent, clever, personable, etc., etc. If a person carries that mindset into a marriage he may be difficult to live with.

How about bad habits? Some habitual behavior can be a powerful disrupter in a family. One of the worst habits to bring into a family is heavy drinking and/or drug abuse. How often have I heard from a young woman a remark like the following: “We love each other so much, I am just sure he will change his drinking habits after we are married.” That is the devil’s delusion. Drinking habits usually get worse after a wedding, not better. An addiction to pornography can cause intense difficulties in a family, too.

Do not marry someone who has ever lied to you! Enough said about that.

Money handling is very often the divider between couples. If a person has not learned to live frugally and without materialistic values, that person is probably not the one you should marry. Money matters!

Watch out for materialism in your intended. Over-buying and spending can disrupt a whole family economy and put the family in distress. Over-use of credit cards is a trap you should avoid like the plague.

Marriage is a place where common values, practices, religion, and all the other things I have mentioned above should be found. Do not marry someone very different from you, thinking that you are going to “grow together;” it probably won’t happen. More frequently, couples with significant differences will actually grow apart.

Following is a check list of things marrying couples should consider:

Does the person you have chosen:

T_____ Keep promises

F_____

T_____ Obey rules

F _____

T_____ Speak or act calmly when hurt or angry

F_____

T_____ Avoid alcohol, drugs, smoking and premarital sex

F_____

T_____ Do what is expected without being watched

F_____

T_____ Never hit or strike someone when angry

F_____

T_____ Care about children

F_____

T_____ Help and finish household chores

F_____

T_____ Be on time

F_____

T_____ Listen well

F_____

T_____ Tell the truth always

F_____

T_____ Have your same believes and values

F_____

T_____ Work for a living

F_____

T_____ Spend money wisely

F_____

T_____ Is liked by my family

F_____

T_____ Always have to have their own way

F_____

T_____ Have never been to jail for a crime

F_____

T_____ Has never had another wife

F_____

T_____ Like my family

F_____

THINK ABOUT IT!