Dysfunctional Fathers

Several years ago, while Nancy and I were still with the organization, Caring Hands Pregnancy Center in southwest Denver launched a program designed to help men become better fathers. We used the 24/7 Dad Program of the National Fatherhood Initiative as the template for our outreach.

As a first step in organizing that program, we recruited a group of twelve men from a large church in the Denver area to be mentors for the younger fathers who signed up to take the course. The mentors were selected based on the fact that they were successful fathers. They had intact families, a successful first marriage, and young adult children who were healthy and productive members of society. In the early phase of the course, these men were asked to present a short talk about their own fathers. They were asked how their father participated in the raising of the children, how he treated his wife, what was his disciplinary policy regarding the children, etc. They were asked about their general evaluation of their father’s fathering activity.

To my great surprise, I found that these mentor/fathers were largely dissatisfied with the fathering functions of their own fathers. Only two out of the twelve were happy with the fathering they had received from their own fathers. The elder fathers had been neglectful, authoritarian, sometimes abusive of wife and children; and almost all of them had failed to participate with their children in the growing-up stage of the children’s lives.

Organizing this course provided me with a disappointing perception of the fathering abilities of the past generation of fathers. During that course, we all learned that there are better ways to father children. Fathering is not something that comes naturally; good fathering ability is not an instinctive quality. Fathering skills must be LEARNED!

I recommend that if any readers of this blog would like to learn how to be a better father, he should consult Fatherhood.org